I promise, I'm going...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the human nature. Specifically, how we become who we are at the present moment. We develop habits, characteristics, trends, routines. And yes, sometimes we get into a rut. We get somewhere, but we have no recollection of how we got there. For instance, lately I've realized that I can be so sour sometimes. And I'm not even sure how I got here. I've always been a happy person.

Taking it a level deeper: Selective spirituality. Human beings, by nature, are creatures of control. Control is good for a predictable, healthy lifestyle. But where is the line? What happens when you control your spirituality, your relationship with God. You choose to let Him in only in certain areas of your heart, but not others. You learn to clutch on for dear life to certain parts of yourself - so fearful of what might happen if you let go. And maybe it's those areas that bubble to the service until one warm day in March; And you question where it came from.

This song, by my friends Relient K, does a great job of articulating this feeling. It's a fast-paced, upbeat song with a good message. Being stuck in our own humanity, with no where to go but out. And he uses a phrase which I love: "It may be the death of me." But anyone knows that the only way to really live is to die to yourself. To give in, to let go. To turn it over to God. To finally let Him in. And once you do, He can finally straighten you out.

So what are we waiting for?

I’ve given up on giving up slowly

I’m blending in so You won’t even know me

apart from this whole world that shares my fate

This one last bullet you mention

Is my one last shot at redemption

because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

and I’ve been locked inside that house

all the while You hold the key

And I’ve been dying to get out

and that might be the death of me

And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,

promise I’m going because...

I gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now

Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how

He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there

And this life sentence that I’m serving

I admit that I’m every bit deserving

But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

I gotta get outta here Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity

Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made

And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me

But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

I fought You for so long

I should have let You in

Oh how we regret those things we do

And all I was trying to do was save my own skin

But so were You

So were You

Rabbi

So I've been openly admitting that I've been caught in a spiritual funk of not being able to properly thank God the way He deserves. Of course, I thank Him here and there. But sadly my heart has just been feeling like it's in lock-down. Thankfully, I have a God who is able to diligently listen to me say "Lord, I'm so sorry that I can't seem the thank you the way I want to." Now, if I were God, my response would be: "Well, you ungrateful wretch, you'd better figure it out. Because this ain't no free service." For one, God's grammar is much better than mine. But so is His style. And His heart is much, much greater.

This morning, I was doing my morning prayer. Now, I can sometimes get in the habit of going through the motions of morning prayer, so I was certain to make every word I said this morning deliberate. And in an intimate moment of honesty, I asked the good Lord to 'show me how to thank Him' ... and mean it. To help me feel the gratitude that I miss so much.

Today's Lenten reflection (can be found on my facebook page) talks to us about thanking God before He answers your prayers. We ask Him. And then we thank Him, confident that the God who loves us has heard our words and has every intention of giving us what we ask. What a powerful sign of love we can offer Him.

When I was a little girl, I used to ask my Dad for things all the time. And when I would ask him multiple times, he would become despondent, frustrated that I wouldn't just trust him. He would say "Lesley, ask me once. Then trust me."

It's a perfect example of how any good father feels towards his children, and how God feels towards us.

So in a perfect moment of gentle teaching, the Rabbi of my faith answers the humble words of my mouth within meer minutes. How intentional a God we have, how quiet He is so as to listen. Today I'm grateful for a God who hears me. And that is enough. :)