How

Well, so far this week has gotten off to an insanely productive and stressful start. We have this image of God being a God of peace, of tranquility, of quiet - which He is. But this week, God is Businessman Extraordinaire as he continues to help me truck through my work. He wears so many different hats, and it's awesome.

That being said, I held a very powerful parent's meeting tonight. Before the meeting, I was scrambling with last minute tasks as I confided in Nick. You see, I didn't think many parents would show up. I was obsessed with numbers. I've been in this biz for over two years. You would think that I should know by now: it's never about the numbers. The fear still gets to me, the doubt still gets to me. I still think God has to be smaller than my "meeting", somehow.

Tonight I had one of the most profound and meaningful meetings I've ever had. As one parent after the other started opening up about struggles with their teen, I began to see how important this ministry is to me, how much opportunity I have, how invested we ALL are. And I began to see how the meeting was pulsating with the energy of the Holy Spirit. And shame on me.

So I'm left feeling frustrated. Feeling like Peter who doubted on the rocky waves, and consequently fell right through. Never mind that He was walking right towards the Savior of the world, the One who created the waves. If I were in Peter's place, I would've gotten back onto the boat after falling, and think "Damn. I blew it. I was a rock star out there on the water, and I blew it." I feel like God did something so powerful for me tonight, which isn't even surprising to me. So how can I still doubt? How do I begin to take that risk? That risk of looking like a fool measures so much much more than being the doubter that I am. And it makes me feel so undeserving of anything He gives me.

But I suppose we don't receive His blessings because we deserve them. We receive them because He's just ... that ... good.

"How much?" "How many" How do I get out of the business of measuring quantity...numbers, budgets, results. And how do I get into the business of just trusting that my God will continue to amaze me, and all I need to do is expect the best. Maybe tomorrow... :)

Super Star!

Well, today is a bittersweet day indeed. My dear, sweet & SUPER intern Jenny Borgman is leaving the office for school in Steubenville, Ohio today. I am of course so very happy for her, but this Summer has been everything that it is because of her. Not only has my productivity doubled and tripled, but I have been able to make it through a whole day with energy to spare!

Jenny has been gradually expanding my iTune's library with her "hip" new music. (I realize now that using the word "hip" has automatically branded me as an old woman.) She has made me 10 times cooler simply by exposure. She has been my body double. She's been a wonderful friend, and it will be very sad to see her go. Thanks to my baby girl for all of her hard work, and I had better see you again for "Four Day"! :)

Speaking of things that are SUPER, however, Nick made a choice-purchase today. Using some Wii points, we bought Super Mario Brothers 3, and I dare say that was the high light of my day. As soon as I threw a turtle shell and almost immediately afterwards perished in its ricochet, memories of sixth grade sleep overs came flooding back. And I dare say that I remember staying up much later than the other girls trying to discover new levels of awesome. The Youth Room is no longer safe with that game in it. Watch out, world. Look out, losers. (You get the point.)

The super conclusion of this day thus far has been my early departure from work, and an evening to myself! My wonderful sisters are currently living the dream, as they continue to raise beautiful, intelligent, strong, just and holy leaders-in-the-making in their children. However, it takes HARD WORK with little to no time for themselves. As I give them a shout out for their relentless super-star parenting, I simultaneous thank them for the reminder that I am BLESSED with an evening to myself!!

Rock on, friends. ;)

Fearless.

Hello, faithful readers!



Thanks for stopping by. (I have a cheesy grin on my face, by the way.)



I thought I'd share with you a little of what's going on lately in the old noggin. You see, I recently had one of those close encounters with MYSELF that we tend to have. You know, the ones where you have to face down somewhat of a question that's hung in the balance for a long time. My sweet little bridal princess Jennifer Richards just became Jennifer LENNOX, marrying the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, delightfully evil Brian Lennox. At said nuptuation (it's a word, as of 8/9/08), I sang the Ave Maria. I am honored to have been able to sing for so many reasons. My thanks go out to Jenn & Brian for asking me, I hope I was able to make their day more special. :)


At any rate, during said song my nervousness was unprecedented. And I've been performing all my life. So in the past week I've been wondering what has changed. In the past few years, I've been noticing a certain duality that exists within me: A person who is shy, afraid of judgment, and comfortable in the background. Verses! A person who is ancy in the background, a person who takes initiative, a person who enjoys being who she is - completely unafraid of potential judgment. Oddly enough, being a Youth Minister has challenged me in so many ways. It has forced me, ready or not, to step into that role of being in charge, being confident...being fearless. And everything inside of me screams "this isn't you."

The irony? Recently, my good friend and work associate April gave me a friendly encouraging reminder to "carry on" after addressing me as her fearless leader.

I think that a part of growing into the most solid version of yourself is evaluating these "halves" that exist in all of us. Maybe true happiness comes in the final acceptance of ourselves. If that's the case, when does that "final" acceptance actually occur? Does it ever?

In a poem called "Warning", Jenny Joseph describes what it will be like to finally present your truest self without fear. In the end, I feel like we're all only giving a percentage of ourselves. And what will it take to eliminate all of our fear?

Hey. I just ask the questions. :)

"Snow White is throwing dishes, again..."

One might wonder why I would choose to make *this* my first entry.

When I was a little girl, it was my dream to be Snow White. My mother even sewed (from scratch) the most fanciful Snow White gown for me to wear. Oh, my idealism was in full force in those days, and nothing could interrupt it, over-shadow or over-power it. Nothing. That's one of the best things about children, their idealism is so refreshing and invincible.

But on this rainy Tuesday in August, I realize that I'm far from that patient, naive, sweet, cautious and even-tempered princess I once admired. I'm cranky, frustrated, bored, ill-tempered, confused and very impatient. But can I still be a princess?

See, I was listening to a song earlier today which contained the subject of this blog...well...not exactly. It says she's doing the dishes again, but that just didn't accurately describe my mood. My only question is: can we still be princesses if we're not maintaining the ideal? For me, I can only hope. :)