Uncle.

Last night, I had one of my more difficult nights in a while, in regards to my physical health. I suppose the good news is, it's been a while since I've had bronchitis. I keep having that thought. I suppose there's a bright side to this, and to that. But I can feel myself giving in.

The other day, I was walking with Howie. And he does such a good job walking long distances, he loves his walks just like me. :) But after about an hour and a half, he reached his breaking point. And I felt a tug on the leash and turned around to see him flat on the sidewalk, beneath the shade of a big leafy tree.

I can feel myself giving in. In the image I have in my mind, of the Lord and I walking side by side - I try to perservere. It's against my nature not to. To continue to search tirelessly for the higher meaning, for the silver lining. For the motivation to keep walking, for the sake of God. But in that walk, I'm imploring Him to stop. Not even to carry me. But to just STOP. Stop long enough to just look around, and process the past two years.

I try not to say things like "I've had a rough year" for a number of reasons. It seems lame, it seems ungrateful. It seems depressing. The other night we were having our YMST meeting, and one of the lovely women I'm lucky to work with shared a bit of her personal life. And she just said - with no hesitation and no shame - that she'd had a rough year. There it was. The truth.

And I've been so afraid to say it out loud, maybe because it would make it more real. It would make me more vulnerable to pity. But I've reached a point where I have to say it, whether or not it makes me less of a noble servant. I've had a rough two years. I've faced my share of daunting challenges, tumultous relationships, physical ailments, failing health by the month, and inner spiritual and emotional struggles.

I love the Lord more than anything, but am I allowed to say stop? What happens then? Does it matter?

In my most honest prayers to God, I have to ask: How can you claim to love me, and yet watch me go through all of this. Month after month, year after year. Without relieving me. Do You care? What purpose does it serve? What game are you playing? I'm working so hard, and I just don't feel appreciated for it. It makes me feel so much less of a person to expect gratification, but isn't that what it means to be human afterall?

I'm in, come rain or shine, until my dying day. That much is true. And I'm confident that there will come a day when all the answers are revealed to me, and I will humbly apologize for ever questioning Him.

But for now, I am just praying for a shady tree - so to speak - to just stop and rest. A little solice, a little respite. A little bit of that joy I hold out for so much of the time, to keep me going in the valley's.

Bzzzzzz!

That's the sound of my wings, because as busy as a bee!

Last night Nick & I had our first YMST (Youth Ministiry Support Team) meeting, which was extremely successful! I felt so happy about how smoothly it went, and how much energy everyone brought to the table. It feels like a great dynamic, and though I'm sure we'll have our share of controversy, I feel so blessed to finally have it up and running!

In other news, I just signed on for renter's insurance. Is it weird that I feel more grown-up because of it? Because I do. I suppose I'd have to thank Brompton Court Apartments and Hurricane Ike for coercing me into getting it, thanks guys. Either way, I feel safe now. Whereas before I was simply oblivious.

I feel pretty solid with God. We're as thick as thieves, but honest thieves. It's a new phase, and I'm grateful for its newness. We're not necessarily clickity-click-clicking, but we're secure. And I like that. I'm still of course tapping my foot and looking at my watch as I wait for Him to throw a husband my way - but He calms me down in good time and reassures me that I'm right where I need to be. In the meantime, I have to say that I still feel blessed with the life I live. I feel alive in my gifts. Great friends, great job, great family and plenty of laughter. Also: A perfect little puppy with just the right amount of mischief. He's the Jesus Christ of dogs, but more on that later. (There's a theory.)

As previously mentioned on twitter, I am currently a full-time phlegm-bot by morning, so blogging will have to be how I pass the time. Lucky for you! The past few nights have been late and dependent on my talking, so I feel as though I've thrown a wrench in the forward movement of my recuperation. Either way, I'm working hard for the Lord and I trust that He'll bring me back. I'm in good hands. ;)

You stay classy, readers. :)
Love,
Lesley

Back Like A Heart Attack!

Well, well, well.






After two massages last week, one of them a little more brutal & fruitful than the other, I still found myself in pain. So a friend of mine who is licensed but will remain nameless - diagnosed me with a 'turned spine' and rightly remedied the situation. Thanks to said person, my back was completely free of pain all day yesterday. Sadly, the pain has returned with a vengence. I'm starting to develop a fondness for the challenge this mind-numbing pain presents itself as, it's terribly distracting. It makes the most simple task something that makes my day longer and harder. At any rate, I'm having fun trying to give it God, but I would most appreciate any prayers you can throw my way.












Speaking of prayers, Julie AND Sarah are having a tough time with their little babes. Prayers also appreciated for them. I found these pictures on facebook today and it just made me smile ear-to-ear. I can't believe how grown up all of these babies are getting! :)




































































In other news, Nick & I are currently working on developing a Youth Ministry Support Team. It's quite an undertaking, but has been ordered & blessed by Monsignor Bill. It's going to be such an awesome source of support for us, and I feel like it's going to add a lot of vision, organization and cohesiveness to YM here. So pray for us!

<---A shot of the kiddos. :)


All for now, all my love--
Les :)

Some Down-Home Updating

Keeping it light today, I'm going to just give you a sampling of how life is going lately for yours truly:

This past weekend, Howie & I both had a bout of bad health. I can say confidently that I don't appreciate my good health enough, and I suppose that's the silver lining of getting sick. Most of all, I always try to see to it that my health is perfect. And so I always feel like I have the poorest health. But honestly, one day I'm going to have to let go the need to be perfectly healthy and just trust God. It's just yet another lesson in giving up control.

Now for the big news: I've recently decided to go back to school! I'm applying to UH for their Masters in Counseling with a License for Professional Counseling program. I still have a lot of kinks to work out, but I have a game-plan and that's half the battle!

I have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month, so that officially gives me a matter of weeks to either find a new roommate OR start finding people to help me pack. If you fit EITHER of those desciptions, please see me immediately.

Yesterday was April Fool's Day, and I spent the whole day pranking my kids, one after the other. My first choice prank was wearing a VERY realistic wig, and tricking my kids into thinking it was my real "do." Happily, the wig looked terrible. Therefore I had the TIME of my life watching their reactions as they tried to play it cool. Finally when I had all of them feeling terribly guilty for thinking it was fake, I pulled it off. We all rolled around in laughter and it was good times for all. There were a few other things here and there, and in the end NO BODY got me! Let's face it, I'm unshakable. :)

Today I have a budget massage scheduled to help me with a terrible knot that I have in my back. It's one of those knots that is so massive...it's causing other knots to form. I'm no doctor here, but I have a feeling my back is where I carry my stress. And it requires a lot of maintenance to keep it happy. I suppose this is a good time to refer my faithful readers to my usual choice of Spa: Josephine's. This is an Aveda spa, so they use all plant-based products. They also don't accept gratuities, only referrals. I urge you to check it out! They're near the intersection at Eldridge and Memorial.

Finally, I just want to boast in God for a moment. We are somewhere between a hill and a valley, and sometimes that's the hardest place to be. But I'm still very aware of His presence, His love for me, and His definite plan. :) All I'm trying to do right now is "show up for work" so to speak, and I'm just allowing Him to lead me wherever He wills. As difficult (and slightly exhausting) as it is, I'm trying to focus on the fact that life is the present moment. And He is God over every moment. And God is good. And so every moment is good, and God-filled, and love-filled. And I'm just trying to focus on the peace that only He can give! Can I get an Amen?

I promise, I'm going...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the human nature. Specifically, how we become who we are at the present moment. We develop habits, characteristics, trends, routines. And yes, sometimes we get into a rut. We get somewhere, but we have no recollection of how we got there. For instance, lately I've realized that I can be so sour sometimes. And I'm not even sure how I got here. I've always been a happy person.

Taking it a level deeper: Selective spirituality. Human beings, by nature, are creatures of control. Control is good for a predictable, healthy lifestyle. But where is the line? What happens when you control your spirituality, your relationship with God. You choose to let Him in only in certain areas of your heart, but not others. You learn to clutch on for dear life to certain parts of yourself - so fearful of what might happen if you let go. And maybe it's those areas that bubble to the service until one warm day in March; And you question where it came from.

This song, by my friends Relient K, does a great job of articulating this feeling. It's a fast-paced, upbeat song with a good message. Being stuck in our own humanity, with no where to go but out. And he uses a phrase which I love: "It may be the death of me." But anyone knows that the only way to really live is to die to yourself. To give in, to let go. To turn it over to God. To finally let Him in. And once you do, He can finally straighten you out.

So what are we waiting for?

I’ve given up on giving up slowly

I’m blending in so You won’t even know me

apart from this whole world that shares my fate

This one last bullet you mention

Is my one last shot at redemption

because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

and I’ve been locked inside that house

all the while You hold the key

And I’ve been dying to get out

and that might be the death of me

And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,

promise I’m going because...

I gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now

Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how

He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there

And this life sentence that I’m serving

I admit that I’m every bit deserving

But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

I gotta get outta here Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity

Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made

And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me

But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

I fought You for so long

I should have let You in

Oh how we regret those things we do

And all I was trying to do was save my own skin

But so were You

So were You

Rabbi

So I've been openly admitting that I've been caught in a spiritual funk of not being able to properly thank God the way He deserves. Of course, I thank Him here and there. But sadly my heart has just been feeling like it's in lock-down. Thankfully, I have a God who is able to diligently listen to me say "Lord, I'm so sorry that I can't seem the thank you the way I want to." Now, if I were God, my response would be: "Well, you ungrateful wretch, you'd better figure it out. Because this ain't no free service." For one, God's grammar is much better than mine. But so is His style. And His heart is much, much greater.

This morning, I was doing my morning prayer. Now, I can sometimes get in the habit of going through the motions of morning prayer, so I was certain to make every word I said this morning deliberate. And in an intimate moment of honesty, I asked the good Lord to 'show me how to thank Him' ... and mean it. To help me feel the gratitude that I miss so much.

Today's Lenten reflection (can be found on my facebook page) talks to us about thanking God before He answers your prayers. We ask Him. And then we thank Him, confident that the God who loves us has heard our words and has every intention of giving us what we ask. What a powerful sign of love we can offer Him.

When I was a little girl, I used to ask my Dad for things all the time. And when I would ask him multiple times, he would become despondent, frustrated that I wouldn't just trust him. He would say "Lesley, ask me once. Then trust me."

It's a perfect example of how any good father feels towards his children, and how God feels towards us.

So in a perfect moment of gentle teaching, the Rabbi of my faith answers the humble words of my mouth within meer minutes. How intentional a God we have, how quiet He is so as to listen. Today I'm grateful for a God who hears me. And that is enough. :)

God is not dead.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men...