I promise, I'm going...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the human nature. Specifically, how we become who we are at the present moment. We develop habits, characteristics, trends, routines. And yes, sometimes we get into a rut. We get somewhere, but we have no recollection of how we got there. For instance, lately I've realized that I can be so sour sometimes. And I'm not even sure how I got here. I've always been a happy person.

Taking it a level deeper: Selective spirituality. Human beings, by nature, are creatures of control. Control is good for a predictable, healthy lifestyle. But where is the line? What happens when you control your spirituality, your relationship with God. You choose to let Him in only in certain areas of your heart, but not others. You learn to clutch on for dear life to certain parts of yourself - so fearful of what might happen if you let go. And maybe it's those areas that bubble to the service until one warm day in March; And you question where it came from.

This song, by my friends Relient K, does a great job of articulating this feeling. It's a fast-paced, upbeat song with a good message. Being stuck in our own humanity, with no where to go but out. And he uses a phrase which I love: "It may be the death of me." But anyone knows that the only way to really live is to die to yourself. To give in, to let go. To turn it over to God. To finally let Him in. And once you do, He can finally straighten you out.

So what are we waiting for?

I’ve given up on giving up slowly

I’m blending in so You won’t even know me

apart from this whole world that shares my fate

This one last bullet you mention

Is my one last shot at redemption

because I know to live you must give your life away

And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity

and I’ve been locked inside that house

all the while You hold the key

And I’ve been dying to get out

and that might be the death of me

And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,

promise I’m going because...

I gotta get outta here I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now

Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how

He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there

And this life sentence that I’m serving

I admit that I’m every bit deserving

But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

I gotta get outta here Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake

I gotta get outta here And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity

Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made

And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me

But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

I fought You for so long

I should have let You in

Oh how we regret those things we do

And all I was trying to do was save my own skin

But so were You

So were You

Rabbi

So I've been openly admitting that I've been caught in a spiritual funk of not being able to properly thank God the way He deserves. Of course, I thank Him here and there. But sadly my heart has just been feeling like it's in lock-down. Thankfully, I have a God who is able to diligently listen to me say "Lord, I'm so sorry that I can't seem the thank you the way I want to." Now, if I were God, my response would be: "Well, you ungrateful wretch, you'd better figure it out. Because this ain't no free service." For one, God's grammar is much better than mine. But so is His style. And His heart is much, much greater.

This morning, I was doing my morning prayer. Now, I can sometimes get in the habit of going through the motions of morning prayer, so I was certain to make every word I said this morning deliberate. And in an intimate moment of honesty, I asked the good Lord to 'show me how to thank Him' ... and mean it. To help me feel the gratitude that I miss so much.

Today's Lenten reflection (can be found on my facebook page) talks to us about thanking God before He answers your prayers. We ask Him. And then we thank Him, confident that the God who loves us has heard our words and has every intention of giving us what we ask. What a powerful sign of love we can offer Him.

When I was a little girl, I used to ask my Dad for things all the time. And when I would ask him multiple times, he would become despondent, frustrated that I wouldn't just trust him. He would say "Lesley, ask me once. Then trust me."

It's a perfect example of how any good father feels towards his children, and how God feels towards us.

So in a perfect moment of gentle teaching, the Rabbi of my faith answers the humble words of my mouth within meer minutes. How intentional a God we have, how quiet He is so as to listen. Today I'm grateful for a God who hears me. And that is enough. :)

God is not dead.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men...

May

I woke up this morning feeling every opposite feeling of peace and safety. It's the feeling you get when you step into the unknown. But it's a little more than that, see. Because I have this overwhelming feeling that I want change. It's so beautiful the way God designed the human soul. What we love doing day after day can one day just become "not enough," as we begin our search for new ground.

I have no idea what I'm looking for today. A new hobby, a new person, a big decision. Whatever it is, I trust that I'll find it. A few minutes ago, I walked in a worried fashion over to our church library to make some tea for my throat. I saw an old woman with a very pretty face sitting in there, probably aware that I was there, but perhaps thinking that a young person would never have a need or interest to speak with her. I walked in, and I remarked on how her appearance is so similar to Shirley MacClaine's. She got this huge smile, and began spouting off things that normally I would 'never have time to listen to'. And I just drank it in.

Sometimes we just need to step outside ourselves I suppose. And see how the universe takes care of us, no matter what. And as quickly as fear creeps into our hearts, it should be shown the door.

Oh and by the way...her name is May. :)

Amen!

Consequences, inDEED! I've been continuuing my running and paying the piper. It's no picnic, but again - it's worth the feeling of being healthy and *in shape*. Nick suggested the elliptical machine, which I've been toying around with in the quality Brompton Court Gym. However, it still doesn't satisfy the way running does. But I'll keep at both. ;)

Moving on...

The month of October is being very uncool, and moving at an unreal pace. This past week was a blur, during which I had to *create* my own day off - for the sake of my own sanity. I won't go into details, but this week has turned out to be fulfilling and beautiful in all of its busyness. God continues to do wonderful things with our relationship. He gently calls me closer to Him all the time. And it's never what I'm expecting, but it's ALWAYS strengthening me in difficult ways. In my most sincere prayers, I beg Him to let me have it easy for a while. And He laughs in my face. So that's alright, because (to quote one of my all-time fave's by Lifehouse)
"I want nothing more than to
Sit outside Heaven's door and
Listen to You breathing...
That's where I want to be."

Can I get an Amen?

Let's get it poppin'!

Well, I've officially started running again. Don't get me wrong, my heart feels great when I run. It's my horrible, horrible knees...and my left hip. And with my laundry list of ailments to address, I'm clueless as to where to start. But this morning, I put all of that behind me for the duration of my run. I simply enjoyed the cool air, the feeling of that strength reentering my legs, my heart, my lungs! And EVEN THOUGH I will pay the price for the rest of the day, alerting all of my coworkers that I'm coming with the sound of popping joints...today I'm grateful that I still have the ability to run.

That's really all I have the time to say for now, so I hope you were somewhat entertained. Until next time!

<3 Lesley

Taken from the "EDGE Newsletter"

“Fruitful” is probably the last word
anyone would use to describe the
current state of Galveston and Houston
right now. And for all of those
who braved it through Hurricane Ike,
I welcome you to the other side of
gradual recovery. Still fresh in our
minds are images of a leveled Galveston,
of homes in Houston with porous
roofs, and a general disheartenment
of those who lost more than
they bargained for. As an added
bonus, we have the onset of an economic
recession, made real to American’s
of all lifestyles. And yet, on
Sunday, we read a gospel that tells us
to be fruitful; to bear the fruit of the
kingdom of God.

Oddly enough, I was asked to
speak at St. Thomas More Church this
past Sunday on the very subject of
fruitfulness. I found myself stuck in
bafflement, wondering where I could
possibly start. The only thing I was
confident about was that my personal
life had recently acquired the uncanny
ability of mimicking the weather. In
the subsequent weeks after Ike hit, a
fair share of challenges presented
themselves - whether it regarded
finances, friendships, or just a predictable
rhythm of living. Whatever it
was, Ike was successfully shaking
things up.

As I began to reflect on the difficulties
I had been having, I noticed the
one thing that had remained constant:
a connection with the Lord. I was
waking up at hours only farmers knew
existed to pray that I might make it
out of this “hurricane” a stronger
woman. And as I slowly surrendered
each issue to the Lord, I felt that all
too familiar feeling of discomfort that
we all experience when we relinquish
control. Nobody likes to feel out of
control, no matter who you are.
In the past few days, I have
watched each issue resolve itself
beautifully, truly giving meaning to the
phrase “bearing fruit”. Somehow,
giving up control secured the best
possible outcome. And the biggest
challenge was simply trusting in God.
Maybe “bearing fruit” comes through
simply letting go of the things we
spend our lives keeping to ourselves,
clutching onto for dear life. Why shut
God out if He’s the solution?

As I watch Houston and Galveston
get back on its feet, I see new doors
being opened. Houston Mayor Bill
White recently pledged to plant one
million trees in the Houston area over
the next five years, a great step for
our city. A spirit of a greater community
is emerging among neighbors.
new respect for God’s strength, a recommitment
to His church and a
brand new pair of eyes is something
we should all receive from the past
few weeks. Why don’t we leave
calling the shots to God, and just
focus on reminding ourselves: God’s
in control. May we all bear His fruits
in our lives through that very simple
prayer.

Rolling with it,
Lesley Anne