All that You would have for me...

Hey, Friends!

So, I have a little playlist saved for when I'm *actually* sitting at my desk and doing administrative work. And there's a live version of "Love Song" by Third Day that I actually don't quite fancy. (Shh, don't tell them.) Well today I've been trying to not just fall into my regular routine, and as part of this challenge I decided not to immediately skip the track. Happily, there was a little bonus track that followed. I listened. I loved.

"Take my heart and help me feel.
Take my faith and make it real.
Take my eyes and help me see,
all the love surrounding me.
Take my loss and take my gain.
Take my trials and take my pain.
Take my life and let it be,
all that You would have for me.

Don't let me go, hold me close to where You are.
Don't let me go, take my heart, take all of me."

I had actually heard this song a couple times before, but I suppose you could say I listened to it with new ears today. And it became evident to me how this song just has deeper and deeper meaning to me. It always astounds me how I think "If we keep going at this pace, God and I, I'm going to get burned out. I'm going to max out." "God will get tired of me." And somehow...it just keeps getting better, deeper, more lovely.

For some reason, I've been reflecting a lot lately about how I used to be. What kind of girl I was in Junior High, the age I spend most of my day ministering to. I was wounded, insecure, scared - and had no idea who I was. I had no idea of my worth, of the way God saw me. I had no idea what freedom felt like, what beauty looked like, and what unconditional love was.

I had no idea 'all that He would have for me.' I didn't know what that meant. And somehow I got to where I am now. And people wonder how I can be so incredibly God-crazy. Well. Wouldn't you be, too? If you had been given the grace to let go, the courage to follow, and then the reward of total freedom. I see myself how He sees me now. I feel real, visible, beautiful, loved. I feel challenged, I feel capable, strong. I feel happy, so incredibly happy.

God has given me a life that is far better than I would've dreamt up, and it's because I am able to live this prayer, this song. Take my pitiful salary, my many many flaws, my temper, my mistakes, my failures, my past, my future, my wants, my needs, my fears, my tears, my laughter, my heart, my soul - take it all - and just give me what You want for me.

And wouldn't you know...

God be glorified.

Certain conditions apply.

Yo!

So, do you remember seeing commercials for the hottest new toy or game on television, and just being totally consumed with desire for it? And then right at the end, you'd hear this dude rattle off some legal nonsense? "Offer valid while supplies last. Parts sold separately. Certain conditions apply." My brother and I used to try to mimic that part of the commercial, and we just thought it was funny. It's only when you wise up a bit that you realize nothing is ever QUITE as good as it seems.

In my ministry, I often find myself teaching what I'm currently going through in my own spirituality. For me, the best way for me to learn it IS to teach it. And lately, God has been really impressing on me what it means to both give and receive *unconditional* love. What does it look like? How does it feel? How do you begin to wrap your mind (and heart) around it?

I don't really have anywhere to land with this post. I suppose I just want to share that understanding unconditional love is hard for me. And I want to love that richly, that deeply. All the people God has blessed me with, I want to love them really well. And I guess it's just very humbling to see how short I fall from where I'd like to be.

Today, I got geared up to eat lunch with my kids. I even called my Mom to pray with her beforehand. And then I just felt like I made zero difference. I felt disorganized, unfocused, and a little spacey. :) It's so hard for me to feel loved or worth anything to God on days like today, but somehow I guess that's what He is teaching me. That whatever kind of day I'm having, He loves me just the same. And the best part is that where everything else not of God has an expiration date, has conditions and restrictions...He doesn't.

I love, because He has loved me first. 1 John 4:19
Praise be to God.

Gotcha!

In scripture, we hear about fearing the Lord. It's all over scripture, from Exodus to Revelation. I feel as though the word itself - 'fear' - has an ever-evolving meaning. In the early Old Testament, you read passages like:
"I feared the anger and wrath of the Lord" (Deuteronomy 9:19)
"The hand of the Lord is powerful...always fear the Lord your God." (Joshua 4:24)

Seems to convey more of an irritable, easy-to-rattle God. One surely to be feared. :)

You make your way to Psalms, and you read:
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." (Psalm 103:13)
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise." (Psalm 111:10)
"Praise the Lord. Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in his commands." (Psalm 112:1)

I don't know, the word 'fear' seems to soften a little bit. Let's press on, shall we? :)

Finally, fear isn't even mentioned in any of the gospels - the slice of history where Christ was Emmanuel - among us. 'Fear' reappears in Acts, but it's typically followed with 'less'. Fearless. Christ does a lot for us, but most of all He takes our fear and replaces it with joy and peace. It's all very nice.

But the word fear can still be used in our modern spirituality, I think. Take my life as an example. I've spent the better part of my life running from quality attention, gravitating towards the background where I feel the safest. The most comfortable place on earth for me is where no one will judge me, or demand higher things of me. I'm so afraid of failure that I've made a science of it. But what do you do when God calls you into a deeper relationship with Him. Do you think that method is going to hold for very long? The eyes of my heart inevitably meet with His, and I realize that I cannot be invisible anymore. And THAT kind of fear...well that's just thrilling. It's a fear that you feel when you finally understand how much of you God can see, and how intent He is on seeing you through. It's like reaching the top of the roller coaster and knowing you have no where to go.

And I suppose I'd like to think that when we reach that moment in our faith, God is simply smiling from ear to ear. And He says "Gotcha." :)

Tick-Tock!

After a more quiet work event tonight, I paid my jolly good friend Shelly a visit. We spent time talking about how shocking a rhythm Time seems to steadfastedly adhere to, and how it's really just relentless. Time - in it's entire lifetime - has never taken a break. Shelly and I started to come up with ways of how to con Time into taking a break, perhaps a nap at least!

It's a pretty startling thought though, isn't it? Time never stops. If you focus on *that* though, I'd like to think you'd get pretty consumed in what you're not getting done, what you're missing...all the things you're lacking.

Tonight, I was reviewing some videos I'd posted on my flickr page. And sometimes pictures and videos can really help you to see your life from a 'zoomed-out' perspective. The truth is that I have a pretty fantastic life, laden with beautifully relaxed moments that beg to be appreciated. I just never seem to have the "time" to do so.

Tonight, I'd like to pause time. (Against the laws of physics, of course.) And just observe how blessed I am. A job I love, my children whom I love, a family whom I love, wonderful friends whom I love, laughter AND tears, nature, depth, love, beauty, talent, heavenly riches, grace, Joy, people who love me...and a God who wants only to fulfill me and to give me full life.


......Unpause. :)

A Charmed Life :)

Happy Tuesday to you! I'm currently enjoying some delicious cover music while I sip my fair-trade coffee on this slow-paced Tuesday morning. Normally Tuesday's are my stressed days, but this year I've gotten so much better at loosening my grip over the ministry and really letting my talented CORE members run with it. So I'm just taking it easy this morning! (Thank Jesus for the idea.)

Last night I was in my FTCM class in the heights area (All Saints) and we were discussing prayer and spirituality, two of my all-time favorite things. It's so amazing to think about how I got to where I am. This capacity that I have to love and pursue God and the depths of my heart, was that programmed into me? There's no doubt I've had to work a lot to get here, but the joy outweighs the labor. John 16:21

So I was multitasking as usual during class, and doing my "morning prayer" at 7 PM. :) And I was reading over Psalm 139, one of my favorites. It's funny how sometimes we can feel like we're running in circles, covering the same material over and over again. But new eyes are grace, and I was moved by a particular verse that'd never phased me before. "O search me, God and know my heart. O test me and know my thoughts. See that I follow not the wrong path, and lead me in the path of life eternal." It's so intimate. It's so trusting. And these words can't just be words. It's a relief to me to know that the darkest corners of my heart are well-lit and clear to Him, and that my worst fears are completely in His hands. So why do we worry? Why do we run?

I was talking with some people in my group about the human nature, and how - no matter how many times God carries us through - we still doubt. I look up to any child for their faith. They're my model. They're so brave. So nobel in their faith. "Know me." What more do we need? :)

Speaking of needs being met, I had a super weekend this past weekend. I had worked nearly two weeks straight with no day off. And I was beginning to tunnel-vision to the weekend, and I kept thinking "surely something must go wrong before I get to the weekend. Because I want it so badly." But alas, God really delivered. Friday was a day for Spiritual Direction, apartment-decorating, dinner-making and people-hosting. I got some solid time with Jenn which I loved, and I got to spend time with Shelly and her new beau Tony! (I call him Tony Tony Tone, of course.) Saturday was a toast to Fall for sure. We spent the day at Dewberry Farms, and I told Jeannie last night that I hadn't been so happy since I was a little girl. All my favorite things with my favorite people. Thanks to Jule for the tip. :) A few of the things we did:

-Picked our own bouquets

-Fed the goats!

-Got our faces painted

-Walked through a corn maze, and failed to find our way out to the other side.

-Took a hay ride, and picked our own pumpkins from a patch!

-"Mined" for gemstones :)

Saturday night I welcomed the whole Motekaitis clan into my loving apartment, and soaked up the feeling. It makes me sad that I wasn't able to visit Sarah in Gainesville last month, because there really is such a large part of my heart that not only desires my sisters, but their families. Feels like a home that I miss all the time. After little Milo went to bed, Julie, Bronius, Dominic and I sat in my spookily-lit living room and watched Disney's Halloween Treats while enjoying our own treat - a delicious dessert that a mystery woman made for Jenn. She very sneakily left it at my place to be devoured within hours. :)

After doing some healthy exploring at the Houston Museum of Natural Science with the Motes Sunday morning, I made my way to the church's FunFest, and I spent the day working a booth with my kids. The incessant rain made a muddy mess, which didn't deter anyone's fun. Bronius, Milo and Dominic made it out for a bit to romp around and enjoy some of the fun. A camel ride was the crowned jewel of the day for Dominic, and for me. :)

All-in-all, it was a fantastic weekend of plugging back into the people God's blessed me with. I find myself complaining so much when I get into the micromanaging of my life. But if I just take a moment to step back and look at how much I've been blessed with, I'm just humbled. I've never done anything to deserve such a charmed life, but God's given it to me anyway. Story of my life. :)

Be well.

Lesley

Monday = Funday

The best part of having Monday off is that I NEVER have a case of the "Monday's." I will forever be a champion of Monday whilst the remainder of the world despises it.

Of course, I've fallen on some hard times lately. In no way do I wish to glorify them, in my speech OR thoughts. So today I worked hard at doing only fun things, and calming the part of me who desired to be productive. It was a challenge, but well worth it.

I woke up at about 6 AM, and read The Shack for about an hour, while sipping some Egyptian Licorice Yogi Tea. I love this book because it describes a face-to-face with God, which I crave so badly 1000% of the time. So it's a wonderful read.

Later on, I watched Monty Python: The Meaning of Life. Now, I had never actually seen any of the Monty Python movies. And so I've made it a point to watch them, so I can say that I have. However, I am now informed enough to say that I do NOT find them funny, appropriate or in possession of any meaning whatsoever. Take that.

I then layed down for about 15 minutes until Howie foiled my plans of catching up on sleep. Finally, my sweet Shelly came over to add a lot of joy to my day. She made it possible for me to grocery shop by looking after my sick little puppy. She then treated me to a delicious Black Walnut dinner, and a movie. We watched Little Women, which will NEVER fail to put me in a good mood. The way the sisters are so close has a special place in my heart, and Jo's character especially reminds me so much of Julie. :)

I had a great day, and I am grateful that God is giving me an oasis. He is good. All the time.

<3

Uncle.

Last night, I had one of my more difficult nights in a while, in regards to my physical health. I suppose the good news is, it's been a while since I've had bronchitis. I keep having that thought. I suppose there's a bright side to this, and to that. But I can feel myself giving in.

The other day, I was walking with Howie. And he does such a good job walking long distances, he loves his walks just like me. :) But after about an hour and a half, he reached his breaking point. And I felt a tug on the leash and turned around to see him flat on the sidewalk, beneath the shade of a big leafy tree.

I can feel myself giving in. In the image I have in my mind, of the Lord and I walking side by side - I try to perservere. It's against my nature not to. To continue to search tirelessly for the higher meaning, for the silver lining. For the motivation to keep walking, for the sake of God. But in that walk, I'm imploring Him to stop. Not even to carry me. But to just STOP. Stop long enough to just look around, and process the past two years.

I try not to say things like "I've had a rough year" for a number of reasons. It seems lame, it seems ungrateful. It seems depressing. The other night we were having our YMST meeting, and one of the lovely women I'm lucky to work with shared a bit of her personal life. And she just said - with no hesitation and no shame - that she'd had a rough year. There it was. The truth.

And I've been so afraid to say it out loud, maybe because it would make it more real. It would make me more vulnerable to pity. But I've reached a point where I have to say it, whether or not it makes me less of a noble servant. I've had a rough two years. I've faced my share of daunting challenges, tumultous relationships, physical ailments, failing health by the month, and inner spiritual and emotional struggles.

I love the Lord more than anything, but am I allowed to say stop? What happens then? Does it matter?

In my most honest prayers to God, I have to ask: How can you claim to love me, and yet watch me go through all of this. Month after month, year after year. Without relieving me. Do You care? What purpose does it serve? What game are you playing? I'm working so hard, and I just don't feel appreciated for it. It makes me feel so much less of a person to expect gratification, but isn't that what it means to be human afterall?

I'm in, come rain or shine, until my dying day. That much is true. And I'm confident that there will come a day when all the answers are revealed to me, and I will humbly apologize for ever questioning Him.

But for now, I am just praying for a shady tree - so to speak - to just stop and rest. A little solice, a little respite. A little bit of that joy I hold out for so much of the time, to keep me going in the valley's.