...is blogging!

It almost seems as though the recent trend of status updates, through Facebook, Twitter and the like, has birthed a slightly different way of thinking. People are thinking about their "status" in the third person, and I wonder if it's helping us see ourselves from a different angle, helping us grasp the bigger picture.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I've TOTALLY submitted to the details of life. I'm succumbed to the big, black cloud of busyness that is my life; Balancing grad school with work is enough of a circus act, but throw in maintaining my personality, my joy, my quality of life...

Those who know me always remark on how balanced I seem, constantly reconciling between the smaller and grander scales. But I truly feel like the little things are currently trumpeting victory over me. There's a scene in the second Matrix movie where a TRILLION "Mr. Anderson's" are flooding into the room from every door and window - all to take down Neo, our hero. And I can't ever watch that scene, because of how anxious it makes me feel. Life isn't life unless we have time to just sit and enjoy it.

Last night, I reached the part of the day that has become quite usual for me: breakdown. Like a car in its last few desperate minutes of life, I'm sputtering and chugging until I can't "go" anymore. And God has, thus far, filled me back up and strengthened my morale. But last night, He remained totally silent. Recognizing that it was one of those "special" times I needed community, I turned to friends and requested prayers. Asking for help is an uncomfortable thing to do, especially as we get older. It almost seems as though life is pushing you into being a totally self-sufficient machine, and you're less of a person if you need help. But maybe that's a lie straight from the modern-day Screwtape Letters. "The patient will begin to think she can't ask for help, because that would make her weak. The truth is that it's not asking for help that continues to weaken her, so let's keep fostering this lie."

Within minutes of asking for prayers, I was blanketed in the love of my dearest friends. It's a hard realization for me that my friends aren't looking for perfection, for strength and no weakness, for a non-stop show of organization. They're looking for sincerity. And in my humble opinion, it's our world that keeps us from being sincere; it's the same world that keeps us in the details. And it's God who returns sincerity to us, who reveals our truest selves to us.

God always knows what I need most, and I'm learning that it's He who keeps my picture big. It's He who gives my life quality. And in my darkest, most abandoned moments, it feels like it's only me. But God is a pinpoint of light within me, irremovable and constant. There's a part of me that isn't me at all, but the One who created me. That will never change, and what a relief.

So my current life lesson: Growing up is hard. :) And in the process, it's easy to lose ourselves, our truest selves, our sense of joy, our quality of life, our purpose. Our laughter. Aging well is a skill, not genetic happenstance. And I believe that it's that holy pinpoint of light within me that will preserve me, claim victory over my enemies, and bring me into glory with Him.

...is learning how to age well.

"Who would have ever thought of this:

that darkness brings forth light,

that light itself springs up from death,

a something out of naught."

~Angelus Silesius

Christmas In July

Okay, well it's not July yet - but close enough! I feel like when we hear "Christmas In July" - we think of stockings, Santa & snow. But my experience is more spiritual I think. I had an itch to listen to Christmas music yesterday, and promptly heard one of my favorites: "Here With Us." There's something about the way the Christmas season speaks to me that sets it apart from all other times of the liturgical year. It's like it is a spiritual "show-time" where God rolls up His sleeves and says "This is happening." This song in particular illuminates the paradox of a baby coming to save humankind. And oh, how paradoxical our God is. A God who is truly here with us though, I have to wonder - where is He today?

The other day I got sucked into the time vacuum that is Facebook. And I began feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the people in my life. I decided that I would make June my own personal "Celebrate The People In Your Life" month. I feel like that was a moment of grace for me, where I was granted the eyes of God. And since then, I've had some of the most powerful feelings of gratitude for every single beautiful person in my life. One example is Patrice Bruno. A woman who suffers daily from MS, yet spends every single day up at the church here. She's taken it upon herself to start a "Vocations Committee" because she feels called to encourage young men to consider the priesthood. She comes up to the Youth Room to make signs and hang them in our windows for display, and works tirelessly and joyfully to do so. I think to myself: THAT is building the kingdom. Another example is a woman who I had an intimate conversation with yesterday. This woman has suffered and continues to suffer from so many health complications - biological, emotional and even spiritual. And yet she embodies beauty, energy and joy for me. I told her, "It's a comfort just to see you in the halls," and as the words came clumsily spilling out of my mouth, I realized their validity. When people HOUSE the Spirit of Christ in their bodies and hearts, it's a comfort to all those around them.

In this very moment, I am humbled. I feel as though I eat at a table with Kings and Queens of God's kingdom, people who are so noble and steadfast. People with true GRIT and strength, true conviction and heart. I look at who our culture pins as "idols" and "role models" and I think to myself - please GOD don't let Justin Beiber be what defines "making it" in this life. My dear friend Bobby shared with me a verse from First John the other day (1 John 2:15-17) about REALLY getting what it's all about. Seeing the world as transitory, temporary. And truly storing our treasures in heaven where we belong. And when I look around me, I am completely surrounded by royalty. There's no better way to describe it, and I am humbled and blessed.

I believe that this is how Christ is "here with us" today. He's living and breathing in the hearts of Christian's who are truly connected to the Spirit. And it fills me up and ties me over. Here's to celebrating the "divine light" in others - cheers! (And Merry Christmas.) :)

A Year to Let Things Go

You've heard 'em all before! Year of the dragon, lion, snake. BUT have you heard of this one yet? The Year to Let Things Go. Ahh.

I think for most, that phrase doesn't automatically conjure up feelings of peace and relief. Quite the contrary, actually, it makes most of us uncomfortable. "Well, what are you going to make me let go, or give up?" But I think when we go down that path, we sort of short-change ourselves because we fail to look at what we'll be getting back.

I was walking Howie the other day on the bayou, and as much as I enjoy all of the natural elements of the bayou coming together for my enjoyment - my schedule always seems to get the best of me. Now I know I've written about this before. Those small surrenders we can make with our schedule, and what a difference it makes. Well, instead of falling into my usual pattern of tugging on his leash and hurrying him on for the sake of my day...God pulled one of His famous magic tricks. He won my heart over for the moment with a simple breeze. (He knows how much I love those.) I immediately closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. Somehow everything that seemed so important was put in perspective, beautiful perspective. And in that brief moment, I somehow caught every scent in the air. The salt from the water in the bayou, the smell of the SUN somehow, the grass. My imagination immediately took me back about 18 months to my trip to the Bahamas with Liz and Stins. I was transported to my time kayaking on the sea, just me and the Lord. The peace that I felt was exquisite. Somehow, God had managed to elevate me from being a slave to my day TO ... living on an extravagantly higher plane. And SUDDENLY - I didn't feel like I needed a vacation anymore. :)

It's not just with my schedule that I feel the need to let things go. Hurt feelings, ego, my WARDROBE. I've been trying to practice letting things go in all aspects of my life - and the feeling of freedom that I have is totally exhilarating. I sometimes forget how happy God wants me to be. I start to think of myself as His personal slave - and when I fail I brace myself for the blow of a century. But He gently reminds me that He just wants my happiness, my freedom, my joy, my elation - independent of my output. He reminds me of how much He still has to give to me, and how if I can only trust Him enough to let things go - I can experience more and more this life that He keeps telling me about. This is a love - that I have never in my life felt. This is a depth I've never gone. This love that He gives me ... shakes me to my very core. It pulls out things I never knew were in me. THIS LOVE. Answers desires that I never knew were in my heart.

Yesterday morning, the kids and I went to Casa Juan Diego to pledge our best efforts for three hours. I am more and more inspired by the self-sacrificing love that comes from the hearts of Mark & Louise Zwick, it changes lives. I hope you don't judge me for what I'm about to say. :) Never in my life did I ever think that a house for immigrants would be the place where I would think "I never want to leave." But I believe that God so fills us up when we're in His grace, and being around such beautiful people and such a beautiful cause - makes me feel incredibly rich. It makes me feel like "I made it. I have no where else I want to be." With the number of times I've been to CJD over the past four years, it's amazing to me that I fall more and more in love with the God in those people. All I had to do was let go of my notions of what will make me happy. Truth is, God knows best.

My prayer for you this Sunday morning is that today, you will know Him more. My prayer is that you might be able to join me in praising Him whole-heartedly for the things He has done in YOUR life. My prayer is that you will say "yes" to Him and His plan to free you and make you truly happy. And that you'll make this your year to let things go.

His wounds have paid my ransom. Hallelujah.

All that You would have for me...

Hey, Friends!

So, I have a little playlist saved for when I'm *actually* sitting at my desk and doing administrative work. And there's a live version of "Love Song" by Third Day that I actually don't quite fancy. (Shh, don't tell them.) Well today I've been trying to not just fall into my regular routine, and as part of this challenge I decided not to immediately skip the track. Happily, there was a little bonus track that followed. I listened. I loved.

"Take my heart and help me feel.
Take my faith and make it real.
Take my eyes and help me see,
all the love surrounding me.
Take my loss and take my gain.
Take my trials and take my pain.
Take my life and let it be,
all that You would have for me.

Don't let me go, hold me close to where You are.
Don't let me go, take my heart, take all of me."

I had actually heard this song a couple times before, but I suppose you could say I listened to it with new ears today. And it became evident to me how this song just has deeper and deeper meaning to me. It always astounds me how I think "If we keep going at this pace, God and I, I'm going to get burned out. I'm going to max out." "God will get tired of me." And somehow...it just keeps getting better, deeper, more lovely.

For some reason, I've been reflecting a lot lately about how I used to be. What kind of girl I was in Junior High, the age I spend most of my day ministering to. I was wounded, insecure, scared - and had no idea who I was. I had no idea of my worth, of the way God saw me. I had no idea what freedom felt like, what beauty looked like, and what unconditional love was.

I had no idea 'all that He would have for me.' I didn't know what that meant. And somehow I got to where I am now. And people wonder how I can be so incredibly God-crazy. Well. Wouldn't you be, too? If you had been given the grace to let go, the courage to follow, and then the reward of total freedom. I see myself how He sees me now. I feel real, visible, beautiful, loved. I feel challenged, I feel capable, strong. I feel happy, so incredibly happy.

God has given me a life that is far better than I would've dreamt up, and it's because I am able to live this prayer, this song. Take my pitiful salary, my many many flaws, my temper, my mistakes, my failures, my past, my future, my wants, my needs, my fears, my tears, my laughter, my heart, my soul - take it all - and just give me what You want for me.

And wouldn't you know...

God be glorified.

Certain conditions apply.

Yo!

So, do you remember seeing commercials for the hottest new toy or game on television, and just being totally consumed with desire for it? And then right at the end, you'd hear this dude rattle off some legal nonsense? "Offer valid while supplies last. Parts sold separately. Certain conditions apply." My brother and I used to try to mimic that part of the commercial, and we just thought it was funny. It's only when you wise up a bit that you realize nothing is ever QUITE as good as it seems.

In my ministry, I often find myself teaching what I'm currently going through in my own spirituality. For me, the best way for me to learn it IS to teach it. And lately, God has been really impressing on me what it means to both give and receive *unconditional* love. What does it look like? How does it feel? How do you begin to wrap your mind (and heart) around it?

I don't really have anywhere to land with this post. I suppose I just want to share that understanding unconditional love is hard for me. And I want to love that richly, that deeply. All the people God has blessed me with, I want to love them really well. And I guess it's just very humbling to see how short I fall from where I'd like to be.

Today, I got geared up to eat lunch with my kids. I even called my Mom to pray with her beforehand. And then I just felt like I made zero difference. I felt disorganized, unfocused, and a little spacey. :) It's so hard for me to feel loved or worth anything to God on days like today, but somehow I guess that's what He is teaching me. That whatever kind of day I'm having, He loves me just the same. And the best part is that where everything else not of God has an expiration date, has conditions and restrictions...He doesn't.

I love, because He has loved me first. 1 John 4:19
Praise be to God.

Gotcha!

In scripture, we hear about fearing the Lord. It's all over scripture, from Exodus to Revelation. I feel as though the word itself - 'fear' - has an ever-evolving meaning. In the early Old Testament, you read passages like:
"I feared the anger and wrath of the Lord" (Deuteronomy 9:19)
"The hand of the Lord is powerful...always fear the Lord your God." (Joshua 4:24)

Seems to convey more of an irritable, easy-to-rattle God. One surely to be feared. :)

You make your way to Psalms, and you read:
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." (Psalm 103:13)
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise." (Psalm 111:10)
"Praise the Lord. Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in his commands." (Psalm 112:1)

I don't know, the word 'fear' seems to soften a little bit. Let's press on, shall we? :)

Finally, fear isn't even mentioned in any of the gospels - the slice of history where Christ was Emmanuel - among us. 'Fear' reappears in Acts, but it's typically followed with 'less'. Fearless. Christ does a lot for us, but most of all He takes our fear and replaces it with joy and peace. It's all very nice.

But the word fear can still be used in our modern spirituality, I think. Take my life as an example. I've spent the better part of my life running from quality attention, gravitating towards the background where I feel the safest. The most comfortable place on earth for me is where no one will judge me, or demand higher things of me. I'm so afraid of failure that I've made a science of it. But what do you do when God calls you into a deeper relationship with Him. Do you think that method is going to hold for very long? The eyes of my heart inevitably meet with His, and I realize that I cannot be invisible anymore. And THAT kind of fear...well that's just thrilling. It's a fear that you feel when you finally understand how much of you God can see, and how intent He is on seeing you through. It's like reaching the top of the roller coaster and knowing you have no where to go.

And I suppose I'd like to think that when we reach that moment in our faith, God is simply smiling from ear to ear. And He says "Gotcha." :)

Tick-Tock!

After a more quiet work event tonight, I paid my jolly good friend Shelly a visit. We spent time talking about how shocking a rhythm Time seems to steadfastedly adhere to, and how it's really just relentless. Time - in it's entire lifetime - has never taken a break. Shelly and I started to come up with ways of how to con Time into taking a break, perhaps a nap at least!

It's a pretty startling thought though, isn't it? Time never stops. If you focus on *that* though, I'd like to think you'd get pretty consumed in what you're not getting done, what you're missing...all the things you're lacking.

Tonight, I was reviewing some videos I'd posted on my flickr page. And sometimes pictures and videos can really help you to see your life from a 'zoomed-out' perspective. The truth is that I have a pretty fantastic life, laden with beautifully relaxed moments that beg to be appreciated. I just never seem to have the "time" to do so.

Tonight, I'd like to pause time. (Against the laws of physics, of course.) And just observe how blessed I am. A job I love, my children whom I love, a family whom I love, wonderful friends whom I love, laughter AND tears, nature, depth, love, beauty, talent, heavenly riches, grace, Joy, people who love me...and a God who wants only to fulfill me and to give me full life.


......Unpause. :)